Unforseen Developments

Ignorance is bliss. Seeking a reason is not. When we loose the people around us and it occurs like an unforeseen circumstance we wonder why and we even seek the reasons why. I asked that too. “Why” but most of us know the reasons. Trust is hard to earn and hard to give for me because I am a person who has many secrets. When people learn my secrets they disappear, which is what they would do anyway even if I told them. Lies, lies and more lies. I don’t know if it makes me a bad person or not. I try not to be. Do I try hard enough?
People never make it easy and not all the time do they react in a manner one would expect them to. Regardless of the reasons they abandon me they still do. I am too stupid or maybe it’s the guilt that still keeps me loyal. I do not harm the people that leave my side. But they do hear of my lies and harm. Is it right for me to expect them to say it to my face? Or should I simply hide my face and condemn myself to self exile for their convenience. I miss the good old times and don’t we all. But if I was really grateful for them I would work harder to make sure there were more. But now I know my true nature just a little better than I did before. How does it make me feel to know I am a cheating lying person? If I am indeed a cheating lying person? Or if I am a jealous person? Or a conniving person? Or a misunderstood person.
Critically pouring some thought into it, psychologically, thinking I am misunderstood could just be a defense barrier to make it seem to myself that I am not at fault, after all a coward would do exactly that. Going back to how I feel to learn I am so many things, I feel shocked for a while. But somehow it doesn’t surprise me. What am I going to do about it? Try not to be I guess, not that it makes a difference anyway. Somewhere along the line I will default to my nature, whatever that is.
I am selfish. I don’t know why. My parents did give me love, so did my family and my friends. I don’t actually know to be honest, and maybe that is because I just don’t care. Maybe care would have been in the form of an Xbox 360, because I am a materialistic person. That’s what I think a materialistic person is anyway. Someone who wants these things? Someone who gauges people’s love by what they gift rather than what they give. I don’t know if I am materialistic but I will just assume I am, because to assume I am would explain why I was happy to get a new phone, expectant of a hug when I gave a bubba Gump cap to someone I cared for, expectant of a hug when I watered someone special’s plants, or expectant of a hug when I shaded someone specials face from the sun as he slept. Or expected a hug from someone special when someone special was sick and I decided to go ask him if I could help and he said he needed to get detergent and sushi rice so I went to the supermarket and got him those things. Expecting something like a hug maybe in return. I think it makes me materialistic. That someone special says it’s wrong to expect these things. It makes the suffering worse because we expect. I should have done all those things just for the fact that It was a good thing to do, I shouldn’t have expected a hug because… It would cause me to suffer. SO I am materialistic and that’s why I am not a good person. Because I need appreciation so badly I need to be told I am good so badly that if it doesn’t happen I begin to hate myself.
I used to slice open my arms with a Leatherman when I was 16-17. So many cuts but only one scar remains to fade. I expected my parents to give me something nice when I got good grades because they wanted it more than me. All I ever wanted and still want more than grades, money, is someone to love me. That or a bullet shot from a gun that’s headed for my heart, to just end this mess I made for myself. It’s not hard for me to do something when I expect love at the end of my effort. But most of the times it never comes. Leads to desperation that does, to know what it feels like to be liked, loved, intimacy, leads to mistakes, to guilt, to more lies. That’s my nature. I cannot let go of all the things that I did for people expecting love in return. What do I know of love especially that I am too stupid to realize that love is not like buying from shops; you don’t give something and get love back. They never loved me because they never wanted to. It’s not their fault I am the way I am. If I were slightly smarter, I would have learned my lesson.