The worst and the best

Sometimes when I think of the worst I think of the worst. Until today I didn’t really think of anything else after I think of the worst, and when I do it’s mostly something like “no, there is too much riding on me” or “no, it won’t happen”, except I realized that the final escape takes away everything and leaves me with nothing. I see sunsets in San Francisco on TV, and I want to go there. I want to see New Zealand and I want to go to china, and eat sushi in Japan. If I leave that won’t happen. Then again, what happens when I do see those places? I hope it doesn’t end there, space is the final frontier. These feelings go on the blog, that’s the rule recently I have these feeling and they have to go on. And maybe one day… only time will tell.

 

Going, going... gone

If time passes enough, and if we learn to put the right things in our mind we are in control of ourselves more that we know. I recently began to do a bit of meditation and it has helped me quite a bit, I am freer in the mind, there is more clarity and I can make decisions on the snap. I use a simple technique of counting my breath, which is merely a mind clearing exercise. It works. I like it.
So many of our thoughts are irrelevant. Yet they intercede us and shape us into becoming different and affect our attitudes. We are such slaves of our mind and we do not realize it, we blame the world for its horrors yes there are many, but needn’t let it compromise us. I now know that meditation gives us that choice. I read this book that said, monks live to meditate better, but we meditate to live better.
I found that so interesting, because if we look at anything that people are experts at and people who do the same activities for pleasure, we see that most of those activities, anything from basketball to martial arts, they are all therapeutic in some way.

Unforseen Developments

Ignorance is bliss. Seeking a reason is not. When we loose the people around us and it occurs like an unforeseen circumstance we wonder why and we even seek the reasons why. I asked that too. “Why” but most of us know the reasons. Trust is hard to earn and hard to give for me because I am a person who has many secrets. When people learn my secrets they disappear, which is what they would do anyway even if I told them. Lies, lies and more lies. I don’t know if it makes me a bad person or not. I try not to be. Do I try hard enough?
People never make it easy and not all the time do they react in a manner one would expect them to. Regardless of the reasons they abandon me they still do. I am too stupid or maybe it’s the guilt that still keeps me loyal. I do not harm the people that leave my side. But they do hear of my lies and harm. Is it right for me to expect them to say it to my face? Or should I simply hide my face and condemn myself to self exile for their convenience. I miss the good old times and don’t we all. But if I was really grateful for them I would work harder to make sure there were more. But now I know my true nature just a little better than I did before. How does it make me feel to know I am a cheating lying person? If I am indeed a cheating lying person? Or if I am a jealous person? Or a conniving person? Or a misunderstood person.
Critically pouring some thought into it, psychologically, thinking I am misunderstood could just be a defense barrier to make it seem to myself that I am not at fault, after all a coward would do exactly that. Going back to how I feel to learn I am so many things, I feel shocked for a while. But somehow it doesn’t surprise me. What am I going to do about it? Try not to be I guess, not that it makes a difference anyway. Somewhere along the line I will default to my nature, whatever that is.
I am selfish. I don’t know why. My parents did give me love, so did my family and my friends. I don’t actually know to be honest, and maybe that is because I just don’t care. Maybe care would have been in the form of an Xbox 360, because I am a materialistic person. That’s what I think a materialistic person is anyway. Someone who wants these things? Someone who gauges people’s love by what they gift rather than what they give. I don’t know if I am materialistic but I will just assume I am, because to assume I am would explain why I was happy to get a new phone, expectant of a hug when I gave a bubba Gump cap to someone I cared for, expectant of a hug when I watered someone special’s plants, or expectant of a hug when I shaded someone specials face from the sun as he slept. Or expected a hug from someone special when someone special was sick and I decided to go ask him if I could help and he said he needed to get detergent and sushi rice so I went to the supermarket and got him those things. Expecting something like a hug maybe in return. I think it makes me materialistic. That someone special says it’s wrong to expect these things. It makes the suffering worse because we expect. I should have done all those things just for the fact that It was a good thing to do, I shouldn’t have expected a hug because… It would cause me to suffer. SO I am materialistic and that’s why I am not a good person. Because I need appreciation so badly I need to be told I am good so badly that if it doesn’t happen I begin to hate myself.
I used to slice open my arms with a Leatherman when I was 16-17. So many cuts but only one scar remains to fade. I expected my parents to give me something nice when I got good grades because they wanted it more than me. All I ever wanted and still want more than grades, money, is someone to love me. That or a bullet shot from a gun that’s headed for my heart, to just end this mess I made for myself. It’s not hard for me to do something when I expect love at the end of my effort. But most of the times it never comes. Leads to desperation that does, to know what it feels like to be liked, loved, intimacy, leads to mistakes, to guilt, to more lies. That’s my nature. I cannot let go of all the things that I did for people expecting love in return. What do I know of love especially that I am too stupid to realize that love is not like buying from shops; you don’t give something and get love back. They never loved me because they never wanted to. It’s not their fault I am the way I am. If I were slightly smarter, I would have learned my lesson.

Crayon Demon

Lets make a choice!

Here is a song i wrote for my Music Club to sing at our college's Multi Cultural Night!
For now all i have are the lyrics...

In this greedy world
People need somewhere to turn
Our Leaders adjourned,
No sign of hope they show,

Lets raise our voice!
It is suppressed..
We must make the choice!
Lets protest..
Let them hear the noise!
We are unimpressed..
Lets raise our voice!

Have you see the news today?
The elections in disarray
Sitting on Facebook all day
We ought to have more say

Lets raise our voice!
It is suppressed..
We must make the choice!
Lets protest..
Let them hear the noise!
We are unimpressed..
Lets raise our voice!

Is this how we care?
There is smoke in the air
Our trash everywhere!
Now trees beware!

When will we stop?
Because this world’s getting hot
More often than not..
It's time we just stop!

Lets raise our voice!
We must make the choice!
Lets raise our voice!

The middle finger type gesture is mine

{.|..} This is the middle finger gesture. I would like to declare i am the one who pioneered it.
Thank you.

Vacation in Malawi.. Part 1

Here are a few photos from my last vacation when i went back to Malawi. The place that stole my heart. I present the warm heart of Africa, a diamond in the rough..... Malawi.



Like all things in Malawi even this dog's life is relaxed. He grew old in open woods where he could run his heart free, eat more and also as you can see, sleep more. His counterpart is more fun though.

At the end of this everlong pier, nested amongst pine, overlooking open sprawling plains is a large irrigation dam. This long pier is just a very sublte but effective medium of preparing you for what you see.

Random branches with lychen.


This is a sauna.. yes. the tiny sign says "No Muddy Feet!"

Each flower here is the size of your nail on your fourth toe from the big one. Its aranged in this natural boquet.



Above we see a tree that was cut. But what is amazing is life still, ever versatile flows and flourishes. That little green bud makes me feel like hope can always be found, and a brighter tomorrow always exists in our darkest days.

A space between two rocks that i just felt i had to somehow capture. So close and yet they may never meet on their own accord.

Above in my hands we have the beautiful semi precious stone, Rose quartz. In the obscure background the primeval mine it came from.

In the hands, these transparent semi-precious stones are quite brittle. And so need to be mined with care.

In this picture we have amazonite. Its a pretty stone. Which is greenish and has what looks like white nerves. Its geological structure is different so its formations are squarish in nature.

More in a few days!